Y’all. As soon as I’m feeling good and not thinking of him as much, he drops back in.
I’m starting to think that maybe I should just exit the dating scene until I can either fully get over him or he can fully let me know that he’s not scared of us anymore.
So I’m driving two hours away to go on a date with the guy I went to school with. While in route, motorcycle guy calls me.
My first response? I smile.
I fucking smile.
Part of me knew I would hear from him again but part of me knew that we were done.
We start talking and he finally admits that my risky text scared him. Then tried to cover that up saying that nothing scares him but that’s when it all clicked for me – I scare him.
Over the past week, he’s been in a lot of shit. So, of course, I cut him some slack.
Now, part of the meetings that I attend say not to hold resentment – forgiveness is needed for your happiness. I’m also learning to appreciate the now more. Sure, it’s great to have an idea of what I want to do this weekend but definite plans will happen when it gets here. Another is attracting people who are available and this is the one that really latches onto me.
What do you do when you both feel something so incredibly strong but one of you is scared? Scared of letting anyone in again. Scared of letting go and opening up more.
I wish I knew.
He told me how there’s no other girl in the world like me but he doesn’t know how to give his heart away again. He doesn’t know how to communicate like he used to. He told me that he’s not sure if he wants to be tied down. Honestly, I don’t know if I want that either. I don’t want to be tied down, I want to grow with someone.
I can’t fix him. I don’t want to. The only thing I can truly do is be his friend. No matter how much it hurts, I can only be his friend.
Truth is, it kills me that he knows and feels what we are/what we could be. I can’t be mad though because he doesn’t want to jump into this until he’s ready. I can respect that.
But he’s also talking about leaving. Into another state. Now, where I’m at, there’s only a couple states that would straight suck if he moved to and where he’s moving isn’t one of them. Ultimately, it puts him 2-2.5 hours away. Still not bad. But he’s also thinking about moving closer. It could go any way.
When he told me this, my heart kind of broke knowing that he would be even further away. It also had a glimmer of hope. But in the same conversation, “but what about you?” and all of this crazy talk about how he wants to be closer and not farther.
Either he is the BEST manipulator ever or what I’m feeling between us is true.
We literally talked for what felt like 10 minutes but was really 45. I laughed more than I’ve laughed for a while. And when we hung up, I was pissed. I was frustrated. Here I was going on a date and I planned a weekend with him. Here I don’t hear from him in over a week, and am livid, only to learn some bad shit happened. Here I am bitter and he reached out to me when he needed a friend.
Honestly, I’ve spent so much time asking others for guidance that I’ve never trusted my own instincts. Regardless of him not talking to me, regardless of not seeing him, I am still drawn to him and I still trust him. I still feel connected on a level that I don’t understand- that is beyond me.
If you look at him on paper, nothing about us fits together. But together? I’ve never been at such peace with another person.
So this is part three. I’m not even sure where it’s going. I’m not sure if I’m an idiot. I’m not sure if I’m gullible. All I’m sure about is how my happiness is intensified when we see each other or talk. If I don’t take the risk then will I regret it later? Ive got to go with this because if I don’t then I’ll always wonder what if…?