Is Timing Everything?

I hear people say if someone is really into someone else, it doesn’t matter what that person may have going on, they are gonna go through hell or high water to make it work.

But does that statement always apply?

What about being ready financially? What about being ready emotionally? Or is it when you build something great and are patient through the trivial times so that when timing is right, everything just falls in place?

But what about the statement “a woman who is worth having will not wait for anyone”? 

Here’s the thing. Fuck those statements. 

Everyone is always searching for advice on where to turn, how to interpret certain actions/words, what do do if [insert some dilemma here] happens. We constantly want validation and for something to be certain. 

That is not where the beauty lies.

I’m an emotional roller coaster when I start analyzing what he really meant by doing this or saying  that. Maybe he simply meant what he said. Maybe when he did something, he did it because that’s what was right in that moment. Maybe the fact that he’s trying, even during financial hardship, should mean more than failing your expectations. 

Friday night, I had a mental breakdown. Part boy problems, part self problems, part friend problems, part family problems. And I stayed in that funk all day/night Saturday. I woke up Sunday and read this: 


And at first I was like YAAASSSSSSSS! And today, I’m like No.

Here’s my reasoning.

In terms of making something work no matter what, at all costs. Why would I want a guy to do that? I don’t want him to file bankruptcy trying to date me. I don’t want him to try to be emotionally ready if it’s something we have to build. I don’t expect him to bend backwards to make this work but if he’s putting forth effort even though he has a substantial amount of things going on in his life, I want to stop and appreciate that.

What about emotionally? Not only is he going through shit financially but the last time he loved, he was crushed. He doesn’t let a lot of people in so, eventually, when he does he really means it. The subtle, little things that show he’s opening up, take those as wins. He’s allowing himself to let you in a little at a time.

Then there are the friends who, outside looking in, give the advice “you deserve so much better”, “get you a guy who can…”, “why are you allowing him to…”, “I don’t want you to settle…”, “don’t lower your standards…”. 

Honestly, I get all of that. Outside looking in, I would say the same shit. 

Here’s the difference in giving a guy a chance and lowering your standards:

1. He’s not financially stable but he’s trying. He’s not asking you for money, he’s not relying on you in order for you guys to see each other. He’s constantly working in order to better himself and relying on himself to make sure you guys spend time together. He doesn’t ask anything out of you other than to understand his situation and realize that he’s doing the best that he can to incorporate you into his life while not involving you with his hardships.

2. He respects you. He never EVER disrespects you. No name calling, no belittling, no negativity. He builds you up when you doubt yourself. He reminds you of how great you are. He wants to see you grow and succeed. He pushes you to be a better person and never makes you feel pressure to do something you don’t want to do. He doesn’t ask anything from you except for your time. He doesn’t disrespect your friends or family. He genuinely cares for you. 

3. He’s not available all the time. Not because he doesn’t want to hang out or because there’s another girl. He’s legit busy trying to get his shit together. He’s not trying to be a dick or come across unresponsive, he’s working. He calls or texts when he can. You hear from him daily. This one was hard for me because I had a guy who wanted to talk every hour on the hour. Now? It’s nice not talking to someone ALL the time. Freedom to do me but I know if I need him, he will be there.

4. He’s not all that on paper. However, he’s skilled across the board. He knows a little about a lot. Quick thinker/problem solver. Outgoing and sociable. Great energy. Optimistic. Overall, a great person. I don’t care if a guy has went to college or if he has a 9-5. If you’re not a GOOD person, I do not care. Show me you can take care of me mentally. Show me you have ambition and drive. Show me that in hard times, you thrive. That’s what I want. Not someone who is gonna bail when hard times come.

If you know that the person you’re into is going through some shit, be patient. Appreciate what they are able to do. Take note on their attitude and how they make an effort. Notice their little wins and be happy for them. Be patient and realize that not everyone is able to give you the fairytale love right off the bat. Use this time to grow as friends because that is going to lead to one hell of a relationship. 

Bad times aren’t just for bad people. If you can tell he’s a good guy but going through a rough patch, ask yourself if he’s worth it. Ask yourself if you will regret letting him go later because you couldn’t be patient. Maybe the universe is pulling you together to test you now so you reap the benefits later. 

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An Open Letter to the Guy Who Can’t be Consistent 

You know who you are and maybe you don’t even realize you do it. The only consistency I can count on is the fact that you will be so into us for three weeks and then, like clockwork, you become so distant.

Do you have any idea what it does to me? Here’s a glimpse:

We will, literally, see each other once a month. But that one time is about a week long. Every time. And when it comes to say goodbye, I cry. Not in front of you but it happens. I think about how good it feels to come home to you. I think about how good it feels to wake up next to you, to eat with you, go places with you, feel you grab my hand in the middle of the night, see you look at me and smile for no reason – honestly, how I feel during that week makes up for not being able to spend time with you. Distance makes things difficult but it’s totally worth it when we are with each other and the connection is so beyond me that I can’t even describe it to my friends or family.

After you leave, we talk religiously. FaceTime, phone calls, texting. I love looking down and seeing a notification from you. It may not consume the day but I don’t need that. Just hearing from you and us talking about our day is great. Making you laugh. Cute comments. I look forward to those little things when we aren’t able to physically see each other. 

The amount we talk after you leave has gradually increased with time. But after three months, I’ve noticed that something happens overnight and you pull away.

I know it’s not me. I haven’t changed. My feelings haven’t changed. My conversation isn’t dull. My humor is still there. I don’t talk to you any different. I don’t “up” the amount we talk. I have learned to not put expectations on when I will see you again and to love today, only.

But when you pull back when things seem to be going so well? Why? What do you prove? Are you trying to prove something to yourself or to me? Are you scared of me and what I offer? Do you know, but are scared of the fact, that I am everything you’ve dreamt about? Are you scared of the hurt that may come? 

You are so amazing for three weeks. And out of nowhere you decide that maybe you’re too busy.  Maybe your life isn’t the way you want it to be and you don’t want a relationship to blossom in times like these. Maybe you’re scared of the feelings that you do feel – even though you try to tell me you have none. Maybe you’re scared of the possibility of what we could be if you gave us a shot.

But that’s selfish. 

I can’t put expectations on love. I can’t control who will love me, the depth to which they will love me, or how long that love will last. I don’t want to. I want to let go. I want to let go and just love without worry. Love without expecting anything in return. Love and know that I gave my all, no matter what.

The connection we have isn’t something I’ve made up in my head. The conversations we have don’t just occur between people who are not on the same page. The electricity when we touch isn’t something that happens often. And the magic when we kiss isn’t something that I just feel for the hell of it.

You’re scared? Welcome to the club. But here’s the thing. I’m not interested in tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. I’m interested in today. I’m interested in hearing your voice and learning about your day. I’m interested in knowing what’s going wrong and what’s going right. I’m interested in knowing your goals and dreams and aspirations. I’m interested in knowing your fake stress and real stress. I’m interested in being your friend- a person you can count on no matter what. I’m interested in you. Every. Single. Day.

I do not care about the mistakes you’ve made or your past or anything bad that you may or may not have done. I don’t see you or judge you for anything like that. What I see when I look at you is your heart and soul and I can tell you now that that is nothing I’ve experienced before.

Every time you pull away and don’t communicate, I try to tell myself that this isn’t worth it. I’ll clear my head and not worry about you. You know what happens?

Things like taking a random trip to a new park to try some new trails. I get lost hiking, end up in a campground, and see your name written on a camping spot (and your name isn’t even common. Wtfffff?!). Or on that same hike I run into a woman with a dog whose name is your old dog’s name (one I never even heard of until you).

I’ll get in my car and have my favorite Pandora station on when I leave my apartment but my car decides to play your station and your favorite song comes on. Why?

I’ll be texting a friend and some random word autocorrects to your name. How?

Every time I’m at my calmest, clearest mindset, the universe throws you in there. And I’m finally listening. I’m finally seeing ALL the signs. I’m finally realizing that we are constantly pulled together. I haven’t heard from you in a couple days? I’ll think about if you’re okay and you call. We share a wavelength that I can’t unshare. We weren’t even supposed to match on Bumble. My miles were set up for 30 but you happened to be driving through my area. 

It’s crazy. And it scares me too. We have all been hurt. We all have a story. We all are scared to death of a love that has the capacity to truly break us. But what if it doesn’t? Why live in fear? Why push love away in fear? 

I’ve tried to convince myself that I’ve done exactly that with us – convinced myself that I feel more than you and we aren’t on the same page at all. I try to convince myself that I’ve made it all up. 

And then you prove to me over and over again that it’s not just me. Just when I start really seeing you, you pull away. And it breaks me, every single time. It tugs at my heart strings. It hurts not hearing from you. It hurts knowing that you couldn’t stand not talking to me every day but then you can totally go 2-3 days. 

I’m not sure what to do anymore. I know we both have tried talking to other people and it’s proved that there is no one like each other. Is it the distance? Is it because it takes more effort that you’re just not ready to give? Or is it just because of life? You’ll start opening up more and then shut down. You’ve said before that I intimidate you sometimes because I expect you to follow through with your word. But please realize that that is what makes us grow. I hold you accountable. I expect the best out of you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not understanding if you fail. We all fail. Then we learn from the failure and try again. I want to be your motivation and vice versa. 

We are constantly going three steps forwards and two steps back. Is hanging in there going to pay off for us? Will you always be like this? Or will it click one day and you’ll realize that what we share is out of this world? That what we have is magical and although there will be tough times, the good we share will triumph?

I could go on and on about the confusion I face. About how nothing and no one has compared to you, to date. About how stinking cute we are when you embrace it. But you’re slowly breaking my heart. It’s so lame but I knew before we met that we were something. I knew after we first hung out that I was either going to be completely happy or completely screwed. I knew upon meeting you that my world changed. My feelings for you have been constant and you have taken up a space in my heart that I never knew existed. 

The universe gives us exactly what we are ready for at the exact moment that we need it. Are you a lesson for me? If so, why can’t you break my heart and move on? I think it’s because you know that if you let me go, regardless of what is going on in your life, you know you are letting go of the best thing that is going on in your life at this very moment. You’re scared to hang on and yet you’re scared to let go. And it’s not a fair place for me.

The distance between us has enabled me to find more of myself. To do things that I want to do, to hike, have girls nights, to be with my family, to appreciate my alone time. It’s also made me appreciate my time with you.

You’ve got to decide what you want. I’m not asking for forever. I’m not asking for tomorrow. I’m asking for today. I’m asking you to decide if you want me right now. Am I someone you can do without? Am I someone you can go a day without talking to? Am I someone you can go all day without thinking about? Because if I am, I need you to let me go. You need to stop being scared and either embrace me or lose me.

Today is all that matters and if I do not matter to you today then I do not want to matter to you at all.

-S

Minding Your Own Business 

With mine and motorcycle guy’s relationship really starting to become consistent, I’ve been wondering why it’s taken this long to get here. What are we doing differently now than before? He’s even moved further away so you would think that things would be dwindling and not thriving. 

For once, I feel like I’ve finally figured MYSELF out and maybe that’s the key to relationships – yourself.

Let me go into more detail.

I’ve always been curious about what people think about me – do they think I’m pretty? Smart? Are they interested? Do they like me the same way I like them? Do I like them more? Are they thinking about me? Why aren’t they talking to me?

🙄🙄🙄

WHY DOES IT MATTER?!

I would always reason my obsession with “I need to know that they’re in it so that I’m in it too”. No hunny, no. Your feelings, emotions, self-worth, confidence, NONE of those stem from other people.  That, my friends, is codependency at its finest.

If I like someone, I let them know. How they act after that gives me my green light or red light, so to speak. 

I had a situation happen last week where I was vocal about my feelings and EXPECTED the other person to be vocal about theirs. Why? Because I wanted reassurance. I didn’t look at the situation and think to myself “well, duh they’re interested. Look what they’re doing…”. I looked at the situation and thought “well why don’t he just come out and say…”. In the end, I didn’t get the reassurance I was looking for but I got reassurance in the form that he could give. 

I had told him how much I liked him and I asked him if I was wasting my time. His response? I don’t have feelings, I do what I want. I was offended (at first) because I took that as I don’t have feelings for you. But that’s not what he said. He realized how it upset me and after taking a walk I realized that he was just being honest. I went back and apologized because I had asked him for his feelings and denied what he was trying to tell me. I accepted his reply and noted his current situation (which I knew going into this whole mess)- he’s been hurt, he’s jaded, and possibly emotionally unavailable (I’ll dive into that later). 

The next day he tells me how hard it is to say goodbye to me. Me, being the sarcastic person that I am, I reply with “it shouldn’t be that hard since this isn’t nothing but a thing”. His response… it’s hard to say goodbye when you have feelings. He saw my hurt and compromised and that showed me SO much.

I’ve been preaching this and will continue to: EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. We show emotions and feelings differently. We can’t expect everyone to love and share and feel the same ways that we do.  As I talked to him during my lunch today, it hit me (and I vocalized it to him as the lightbulb went off haha). 

We were talking about feelings – how I feel too much and how he’s supposedly heartless. I told him “I know that I feel a lot but I’d rather feel too much than to be jaded. I know you have feelings for me too and I can be patient with you while you take time to figure it out and admit it to yourself”. I could hear him smiling in his response – we both know how we feel for each other. It doesn’t need to be discussed every day. It doesn’t need to be reassured or validated. 

I realized today that I am comfortable enough with myself to know my worth. I’ve tried to fake it up until this point by proving to myself that I was worth it because of the people who wanted me but that I didn’t want back. Just because someone wants to sleep with you doesn’t mean anything. Just because you’re wanted, it doesn’t mean anything. Whatever others think of you, IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING. 

I’ve really taken some time to appreciate who I am as a person and what I offer in terms of my character. Who I am isn’t based off of my looks. Who I am isn’t about how liked I am. In today’s society, we get so engrossed in social media (which can be a popularity contest) that we forget that it’s just the fucking internet. How many of my Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat friends really know me? Who really appreciates me?

I’ve met several men who have seen me and just wanted that. They didn’t care to know my story, my hurt, my weirdness, my laugh. They didn’t care to know my soul. 

The past month or so, I’ve really forgotten that my energy puts out vibes that come back to me. I’ve forgotten to appreciate the now. And every time that happens, motorcycle guy reappears and helps me realize that what matters is in the moment. 

Once you’re in your universe, in your vortex, you stop thinking about how you may come off to others and focus your energy on being the best person you can be. You focus on feeling happy, content, grateful, appreciative. You allow yourself to feel your feelings; to own your emotions and know that you are only in control of yourself. 

Because of that realization, I am not worried about how people feel about me. I am emitting such good vibes/frequencies that their reciprocation isn’t needed. If they cannot appreciate what I am sending out then they do not belong here.  What am I also not worried about? I’m not worried about the guy. I’m not obsessing over what he’s doing, why we aren’t talking, if he’s taking to other girls – I’m just not worried about it. 

But let me say that, that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. We have been talking inconsistently for two months. I’m always drawn back to him. I’m always pulled to him. We haven’t had sex. It’s like my soul just wants to vibe with his and be happy. So, obviously I do care. Like, a LOT. But I also am content with and accept who we both are as individuals and where we both are in life.

I believe that self-growth is also important here. I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned, thanks to him, that I know that even if his time with me isn’t permanent, my soul is so grateful to have encountered his. I think that’s part of being in the moment – you realize your blessings and appreciate everything for what it is. 

So right now, in this moment, I am thankful that the universe has kept us giving off of each other. I am thankful to know that I can be 100% me and it is met with complete acceptance. There’s no hiding who I am or how I feel because I am completely up front with that. There’s no worrying about the other party because I am focused on myself.

There comes a time in life where you want to grow WITH someone and not grow off of them (I think my phrasing sounds weird but I hope you guys understand what I’m saying). I definitely hope that there are more tomorrows that are like today. But in the meantime, I will settle with knowing that my minds and my heart are completely content, happy, and grateful for everything that is today.