With mine and motorcycle guy’s relationship really starting to become consistent, I’ve been wondering why it’s taken this long to get here. What are we doing differently now than before? He’s even moved further away so you would think that things would be dwindling and not thriving.
For once, I feel like I’ve finally figured MYSELF out and maybe that’s the key to relationships – yourself.
Let me go into more detail.
I’ve always been curious about what people think about me – do they think I’m pretty? Smart? Are they interested? Do they like me the same way I like them? Do I like them more? Are they thinking about me? Why aren’t they talking to me?
WHY DOES IT MATTER?!
I would always reason my obsession with “I need to know that they’re in it so that I’m in it too”. No hunny, no. Your feelings, emotions, self-worth, confidence, NONE of those stem from other people. That, my friends, is codependency at its finest.
If I like someone, I let them know. How they act after that gives me my green light or red light, so to speak.
I had a situation happen last week where I was vocal about my feelings and EXPECTED the other person to be vocal about theirs. Why? Because I wanted reassurance. I didn’t look at the situation and think to myself “well, duh they’re interested. Look what they’re doing…”. I looked at the situation and thought “well why don’t he just come out and say…”. In the end, I didn’t get the reassurance I was looking for but I got reassurance in the form that he could give.
I had told him how much I liked him and I asked him if I was wasting my time. His response? I don’t have feelings, I do what I want. I was offended (at first) because I took that as I don’t have feelings for you. But that’s not what he said. He realized how it upset me and after taking a walk I realized that he was just being honest. I went back and apologized because I had asked him for his feelings and denied what he was trying to tell me. I accepted his reply and noted his current situation (which I knew going into this whole mess)- he’s been hurt, he’s jaded, and possibly emotionally unavailable (I’ll dive into that later).
The next day he tells me how hard it is to say goodbye to me. Me, being the sarcastic person that I am, I reply with “it shouldn’t be that hard since this isn’t nothing but a thing”. His response… it’s hard to say goodbye when you have feelings. He saw my hurt and compromised and that showed me SO much.
I’ve been preaching this and will continue to: EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. We show emotions and feelings differently. We can’t expect everyone to love and share and feel the same ways that we do. As I talked to him during my lunch today, it hit me (and I vocalized it to him as the lightbulb went off haha).
We were talking about feelings – how I feel too much and how he’s supposedly heartless. I told him “I know that I feel a lot but I’d rather feel too much than to be jaded. I know you have feelings for me too and I can be patient with you while you take time to figure it out and admit it to yourself”. I could hear him smiling in his response – we both know how we feel for each other. It doesn’t need to be discussed every day. It doesn’t need to be reassured or validated.
I realized today that I am comfortable enough with myself to know my worth. I’ve tried to fake it up until this point by proving to myself that I was worth it because of the people who wanted me but that I didn’t want back. Just because someone wants to sleep with you doesn’t mean anything. Just because you’re wanted, it doesn’t mean anything. Whatever others think of you, IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING.
I’ve really taken some time to appreciate who I am as a person and what I offer in terms of my character. Who I am isn’t based off of my looks. Who I am isn’t about how liked I am. In today’s society, we get so engrossed in social media (which can be a popularity contest) that we forget that it’s just the fucking internet. How many of my Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat friends really know me? Who really appreciates me?
I’ve met several men who have seen me and just wanted that. They didn’t care to know my story, my hurt, my weirdness, my laugh. They didn’t care to know my soul.
The past month or so, I’ve really forgotten that my energy puts out vibes that come back to me. I’ve forgotten to appreciate the now. And every time that happens, motorcycle guy reappears and helps me realize that what matters is in the moment.
Once you’re in your universe, in your vortex, you stop thinking about how you may come off to others and focus your energy on being the best person you can be. You focus on feeling happy, content, grateful, appreciative. You allow yourself to feel your feelings; to own your emotions and know that you are only in control of yourself.
Because of that realization, I am not worried about how people feel about me. I am emitting such good vibes/frequencies that their reciprocation isn’t needed. If they cannot appreciate what I am sending out then they do not belong here. What am I also not worried about? I’m not worried about the guy. I’m not obsessing over what he’s doing, why we aren’t talking, if he’s taking to other girls – I’m just not worried about it.
But let me say that, that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. We have been talking inconsistently for two months. I’m always drawn back to him. I’m always pulled to him. We haven’t had sex. It’s like my soul just wants to vibe with his and be happy. So, obviously I do care. Like, a LOT. But I also am content with and accept who we both are as individuals and where we both are in life.
I believe that self-growth is also important here. I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned, thanks to him, that I know that even if his time with me isn’t permanent, my soul is so grateful to have encountered his. I think that’s part of being in the moment – you realize your blessings and appreciate everything for what it is.
So right now, in this moment, I am thankful that the universe has kept us giving off of each other. I am thankful to know that I can be 100% me and it is met with complete acceptance. There’s no hiding who I am or how I feel because I am completely up front with that. There’s no worrying about the other party because I am focused on myself.
There comes a time in life where you want to grow WITH someone and not grow off of them (I think my phrasing sounds weird but I hope you guys understand what I’m saying). I definitely hope that there are more tomorrows that are like today. But in the meantime, I will settle with knowing that my minds and my heart are completely content, happy, and grateful for everything that is today.