You know who you are and maybe you don’t even realize you do it. The only consistency I can count on is the fact that you will be so into us for three weeks and then, like clockwork, you become so distant.
Do you have any idea what it does to me? Here’s a glimpse:
We will, literally, see each other once a month. But that one time is about a week long. Every time. And when it comes to say goodbye, I cry. Not in front of you but it happens. I think about how good it feels to come home to you. I think about how good it feels to wake up next to you, to eat with you, go places with you, feel you grab my hand in the middle of the night, see you look at me and smile for no reason – honestly, how I feel during that week makes up for not being able to spend time with you. Distance makes things difficult but it’s totally worth it when we are with each other and the connection is so beyond me that I can’t even describe it to my friends or family.
After you leave, we talk religiously. FaceTime, phone calls, texting. I love looking down and seeing a notification from you. It may not consume the day but I don’t need that. Just hearing from you and us talking about our day is great. Making you laugh. Cute comments. I look forward to those little things when we aren’t able to physically see each other.
The amount we talk after you leave has gradually increased with time. But after three months, I’ve noticed that something happens overnight and you pull away.
I know it’s not me. I haven’t changed. My feelings haven’t changed. My conversation isn’t dull. My humor is still there. I don’t talk to you any different. I don’t “up” the amount we talk. I have learned to not put expectations on when I will see you again and to love today, only.
But when you pull back when things seem to be going so well? Why? What do you prove? Are you trying to prove something to yourself or to me? Are you scared of me and what I offer? Do you know, but are scared of the fact, that I am everything you’ve dreamt about? Are you scared of the hurt that may come?
You are so amazing for three weeks. And out of nowhere you decide that maybe you’re too busy. Maybe your life isn’t the way you want it to be and you don’t want a relationship to blossom in times like these. Maybe you’re scared of the feelings that you do feel – even though you try to tell me you have none. Maybe you’re scared of the possibility of what we could be if you gave us a shot.
But that’s selfish.
I can’t put expectations on love. I can’t control who will love me, the depth to which they will love me, or how long that love will last. I don’t want to. I want to let go. I want to let go and just love without worry. Love without expecting anything in return. Love and know that I gave my all, no matter what.
The connection we have isn’t something I’ve made up in my head. The conversations we have don’t just occur between people who are not on the same page. The electricity when we touch isn’t something that happens often. And the magic when we kiss isn’t something that I just feel for the hell of it.
You’re scared? Welcome to the club. But here’s the thing. I’m not interested in tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. I’m interested in today. I’m interested in hearing your voice and learning about your day. I’m interested in knowing what’s going wrong and what’s going right. I’m interested in knowing your goals and dreams and aspirations. I’m interested in knowing your fake stress and real stress. I’m interested in being your friend- a person you can count on no matter what. I’m interested in you. Every. Single. Day.
I do not care about the mistakes you’ve made or your past or anything bad that you may or may not have done. I don’t see you or judge you for anything like that. What I see when I look at you is your heart and soul and I can tell you now that that is nothing I’ve experienced before.
Every time you pull away and don’t communicate, I try to tell myself that this isn’t worth it. I’ll clear my head and not worry about you. You know what happens?
Things like taking a random trip to a new park to try some new trails. I get lost hiking, end up in a campground, and see your name written on a camping spot (and your name isn’t even common. Wtfffff?!). Or on that same hike I run into a woman with a dog whose name is your old dog’s name (one I never even heard of until you).
I’ll get in my car and have my favorite Pandora station on when I leave my apartment but my car decides to play your station and your favorite song comes on. Why?
I’ll be texting a friend and some random word autocorrects to your name. How?
Every time I’m at my calmest, clearest mindset, the universe throws you in there. And I’m finally listening. I’m finally seeing ALL the signs. I’m finally realizing that we are constantly pulled together. I haven’t heard from you in a couple days? I’ll think about if you’re okay and you call. We share a wavelength that I can’t unshare. We weren’t even supposed to match on Bumble. My miles were set up for 30 but you happened to be driving through my area.
It’s crazy. And it scares me too. We have all been hurt. We all have a story. We all are scared to death of a love that has the capacity to truly break us. But what if it doesn’t? Why live in fear? Why push love away in fear?
I’ve tried to convince myself that I’ve done exactly that with us – convinced myself that I feel more than you and we aren’t on the same page at all. I try to convince myself that I’ve made it all up.
And then you prove to me over and over again that it’s not just me. Just when I start really seeing you, you pull away. And it breaks me, every single time. It tugs at my heart strings. It hurts not hearing from you. It hurts knowing that you couldn’t stand not talking to me every day but then you can totally go 2-3 days.
I’m not sure what to do anymore. I know we both have tried talking to other people and it’s proved that there is no one like each other. Is it the distance? Is it because it takes more effort that you’re just not ready to give? Or is it just because of life? You’ll start opening up more and then shut down. You’ve said before that I intimidate you sometimes because I expect you to follow through with your word. But please realize that that is what makes us grow. I hold you accountable. I expect the best out of you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not understanding if you fail. We all fail. Then we learn from the failure and try again. I want to be your motivation and vice versa.
We are constantly going three steps forwards and two steps back. Is hanging in there going to pay off for us? Will you always be like this? Or will it click one day and you’ll realize that what we share is out of this world? That what we have is magical and although there will be tough times, the good we share will triumph?
I could go on and on about the confusion I face. About how nothing and no one has compared to you, to date. About how stinking cute we are when you embrace it. But you’re slowly breaking my heart. It’s so lame but I knew before we met that we were something. I knew after we first hung out that I was either going to be completely happy or completely screwed. I knew upon meeting you that my world changed. My feelings for you have been constant and you have taken up a space in my heart that I never knew existed.
The universe gives us exactly what we are ready for at the exact moment that we need it. Are you a lesson for me? If so, why can’t you break my heart and move on? I think it’s because you know that if you let me go, regardless of what is going on in your life, you know you are letting go of the best thing that is going on in your life at this very moment. You’re scared to hang on and yet you’re scared to let go. And it’s not a fair place for me.
The distance between us has enabled me to find more of myself. To do things that I want to do, to hike, have girls nights, to be with my family, to appreciate my alone time. It’s also made me appreciate my time with you.
You’ve got to decide what you want. I’m not asking for forever. I’m not asking for tomorrow. I’m asking for today. I’m asking you to decide if you want me right now. Am I someone you can do without? Am I someone you can go a day without talking to? Am I someone you can go all day without thinking about? Because if I am, I need you to let me go. You need to stop being scared and either embrace me or lose me.
Today is all that matters and if I do not matter to you today then I do not want to matter to you at all.