Awakened and Dating

As I approach 30, I’m so proud of the personal growth I’ve went through to become who I am. I went through SUCH changes after my separation and divorce that I’m definitely not the same person I was a couple years ago. Maybe, because I’m writing this following a breakup, I’m a little jaded and maybe a little bitter. Maybe I’m realizing that my eggs are a ticking time bomb but I know the connection I seek and I know I don’t want to settle. The girl a couple years ago just didn’t care.

That being said, I think THAT girl was dateable.

That girl was fun, carefree, a people pleaser, constantly busy, and constantly having a good time. And none of that is bad, at all. But she was staying busy to avoid the internal mess that was in her head.

I’m starting to think that the more awakened I become, the less of the dating scene I want. I will even go as far to say that I’m less dateable because of it.

While I’m still fun, carefree, and always making the best of situations, I’m no longer a people pleaser. Ive become more blunt since finding my inner peace and I’m finding a lot of bachelors do not appreciate that.

In the dating scene, I’ve learned to let go of expectations – if it clicks then it clicks, if it doesn’t then move on. I’m no longer insecure and know my worth. Is it with age that one truly starts to appreciate themselves and what they offer? There’s no more room for settling and most men simply do not want to step up.

I feel as though I’m at a weird age for dating, anyway. Most of my friends are in serious relationships or have kids already. Me? I’m planning a girls trip to Mexico to celebrate my 30th. The guys my age are immature and typically go for younger women. Guys in their mid-thirties have kids already and just got out of something serious. Surely I can’t be the only divorced 29 year old who wants companionship over a lay?!

I crave that connection. Being physically attracted to someone is important but so is that person’s character and intellect and personality. It’s got to be deeper than looks. We’ve got to connect on a cosmic level.

Then I talk about the moon and the stars and the universe and chakras and crystals and I’m called weird anyway 🙄

Has dating always been this difficult? Have people always been so closed minded? Has my awakening caused me to become more picky? Obviously it all happens for a reason but does it get better!

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Fear

Fear.

We spend our whole lives seeking safety, security, stability. We want consistency, reliability, and reassurance. We want to build our lives knowing what tomorrow holds. But why? Because we are scared. We get into a comfort zone and anything that threatens that comfort zone makes us extremely uncomfortable.

In the dating scene, we become uncomfortable letting people in. We are scared of risking our heart. We are scared of expressing our feelings. We are scared purely because of the reaction of another person. In the moment, in our heads, we feel those feelings freely. We sound so logical thinking about our love for another person. But when thinking about letting that other person know? We are scared.

What is it, exactly, that we fear? Rejection? Commitment? The unknown? The unfamiliarity of letting someone in? If our love is based on others then do we even love for ourselves? To love freely, should be expressed with no fear yet when we start falling for someone we try our damnedest to hide it. We try not to scare them away. We try to “keep” them.

Why am I scared to lose something that was never mine to keep? Why am I scared to express how I feel when I know that if I scare that person then maybe they weren’t ever ‘the one’?

Insecurities.

Somehow, I have gotten in my head that another person’s opinion of me shows me my worth. Let me repeat that: I have convinced myself that other’s opinions of me reflects the person I am. Why? In school, we are taught right and wrong. We are taught to get good grades. We are taught to strive for the best. Yet, our society is what creates the ‘best’. Our society determines what is good and what is bad.

For me to doubt my worth because of other’s opinions is normal as it has been engrained in me. To learn how to break that, to not care about what others think of me, has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

I used to get made fun of because of my acne, of my size, of my skin. I constantly had people telling me negative things about my appearance but was praised on my grades. I always thought I was the “ugly” one. The “fat” one. The one that was just never the complete package. If only I was as pretty as… If only I looked like… If only I was as skinny as…

Now that I am an adult, I know that there is far more than meets the eye but I always think that I am not good enough. I am always insecure about my appearance, about my weight. So how do you get over it? How do you accept who you are and say fuck everyone else? How do you stop caring about what others think of you? About whether or not you are accepted?

Insecurities and fear are the same thing. To overcome fear is to purposely do things that make you uncomfortable.

Love makes you uncomfortable. Especially new love. It makes you force yourself to put yourself out there when there is nothing but uncertainty.

I have thought about it over and over again. I have tried to convince myself that maybe it’s just not meant to be. I have tried to question my instincts. I have tried to let go. The thing is, once you’ve been in an abusive relationship you begin to doubt your choices. You begin to doubt your instincts. So I have approached this new love with such caution that I got lost and ended up giving my heart away without even noticing. How does that even work you ask? You’re guarded one minute and the next you’ve given away your heart. I don’t know how it happened. Our first conversation. Our first meeting. Our first kiss. The looks exchanged. The wavelength shared. I have TRIED to let go. I have tried to just let go and be done with it. I have tried to walk away and the universe keeps pulling me back. It’s not just him, it’s small synchronicities that keep leading back to him.

In both of my abusive relationships, I asked for signs and blatantly ignored them. I remember driving away from my ex’s house, calling my best friend, bawling my eyes out and asking the universe for a sign, for any sign on what I needed to do. My friend was scared. I received numerous threatening text messages demanding that I go back. I kept hearing a song by The Lumineers that talked about leaving. I kept trying to ignore all the bad and kept searching for the good signs.

So here I am, months later, possibly ignoring the good signs because they simply don’t meet my expectations. What are the bad signs? He has “no feelings”, it’s either one extreme or the other. He’s closed off. He doesn’t want his mom to know about me yet. He just moved three hours away. I mean are these bad signs or just inconveniences? Am I upset because the guy isn’t head over heels for me and it’s been almost four months?

I am scared because I feel as though he doesn’t feel the way that I do. So I pull back. Which makes him pull back. And then it’s one step forward and two steps back.

Not everyone loves like we do. Not everyone shows love like we do. We cannot decide who is right and who is wrong when it comes to expressing love. We put these nice little expectations on how we are supposed to be loved and sometimes we are totally wrong.

I have a guy who tells me that I am the only girl he is talking to, the only girl he is seeing. I have a guy who talks to me daily. I have a guy who shares a connection with me that is unimaginable. I have a guy who facetimes me when he is with his friends or answers the phone while he is out. I have a guy who has no reason to lie to me and yet I am still trying to make him out to be a liar. Out, Of. Fear. I am guarding my heart of anything good out of fear.

When the universe turns his Pandora station on and his favorite song is the first one to play, I need to listen (especially when I was listening to a different station before I got in the car). When the universe has me get lost hiking only to find a campground with his name on the reservation tag (his first name) when I went on a hike to clear my head, I should listen. When I have reached my wits end with him and am ready to throw in the towel and he calls me and reassures me, then maybe I should listen.

Maybe I should stop putting expectations on something that I am not even good at. Maybe I should not be scared of something because it is so different. Maybe I shouldn’t go to my friends and trust their advice because he doesn’t fall into their expectations. Maybe I should just trust my gut and know that there is a bigger reason as to why we are being pulled together.

The universe is full of so many signs if we are open to them. Maybe we are supposed to embrace the uncertainty, embrace the anxiety, and embrace the unknown. It’s all in the journey. We aren’t supposed to have it figured out before the puzzle comes together. All the pieces connect, eventually, and that is our destiny.

Dating in 2017

What the hell have I gotten myself into?!
Just a little background on myself: I haven’t dated since I was 21. Found love, got married, and now divorced. The dating game has drastically changed since my clubbing years and not for the better.

If you find yourself reading this, then you know the deal these days. Online dating seems to be what people flock to – and why wouldn’t they? I’ve been on Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid, POF, and have finally settled on Bumble.

Honestly, when I go out I’m usually with girlfriends or minding my own. I don’t want a guy approaching me during either. So, I figured why not? Online dating gives me the opportunity to get to know the guy before actually meeting him which would make them easier to weed out, right?

No. The answer is no. I’m learning so many do’s and don’t’s to dating that I can’t even date how I WANT to date without guys thinking I’m a needy, psychotic, dependent woman even though I’m the opposite of all of that.

What does a smart, independent, self-motivated, career-driven lady need to do to find someone who actually respects and appreciates her for who she is? I’m not sure. But in the meantime, I’m going to share my Bumble disasters until something magical comes along.

-S