Always Focus on You

I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m boy crazy. When we are in the dating scene, we focus too much on what the other person needs/wants/thinks that we forget to honor ourselves.

Since motorcycle guy has reappeared, I told myself that I will honor me first. That’s what he does and that’s how it should be. Until you’ve been together for a while, the other person’s needs should matter but shouldn’t trump your own.

What does this mean?

It means before my revelation, I would’ve waited to make plans with another person to see if motorcycle guy was going to grace me with his appearance. I would’ve waited until he called before heading back home. I would’ve tried my everything to see him.

Truth is? If it happens then it happens.

Over the course of two months, I have been learning myself and others as well. Y’all know the connection that I brag about and there’s no denying it. Instead of chasing that connection, I’m letting it come naturally. 

It πŸ‘πŸ½ is πŸ‘πŸ½ so πŸ‘πŸ½ much πŸ‘πŸ½ easier πŸ‘πŸ½

I’ve always wondered what people meant when they said relationships are supposed to be easy. I never understood that concept. Until now. It means letting it flow. Accepting the other person for who they are (flaws and all). Having no expectations. Taking it day by day. It’s all about today.

I can get really into my feels and, even for me, it can get overwhelming and scary. But I’ve learned to feel those feelings and talk myself through why I am feeling them. Sometimes, when that isn’t enough, I’ll go for a run to clear my head and it’s like it all comes together. 

Embrace now. If someone lets you down, then focus on you. Don’t focus on why they let you down or what could’ve changed or what could’ve happened. Accept whatever you’re feeling, feel it, and move on.

I read somewhere that people don’t intentionally let us down; that people try their best but sometimes their best doesn’t meet our expectations.

That’s the killer. Expectations. It’s so hard not to have them. But when you accept a person as they are then you are no longer setting them up for failure.

I have learned to accept and embrace the differences between me and others. I’ve also learned that when I give love, I need to relinquish the fact that I may not receive love the way that I give it and that is okay. People are different and that shouldn’t stop me from continuing to be who I am.

Saturday, I put expectations on something because I had something planned. Plans didn’t go as planned and my feelings were kinda hurt. I sat back, accepted my feelings, felt those feelings, and explained to myself why plans were messed up. I explained to myself how people really are trying and how they are doing the best that they can. Life happens. It’s not like they wanted to cancel plans. 

I was still pissed so I went for a run and when I got back the universe helped me understand that what had happened was for the best. Within an hour I went from salty af to grateful that the plans didn’t go through.

What an amazing feeling?! My heart is so full and so thankful knowing that everything happens for a reason. I’m not freaking out because something didn’t happen. I’m not freaking out waiting on text messages. I’m simply in my own world, being thankful for what is in front of me and taking the opportunities that I have been granted.

There’s nothing like being present. It releases so much pressure and anxiety and even expectations. Focus on you and your energy and everything else just falls in place.

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Motorcycle Guy Part III???

Dammit. Man.

Y’all. As soon as I’m feeling good and not thinking of him as much, he drops back in.

I’m starting to think that maybe I should just exit the dating scene until I can either fully get over him or he can fully let me know that he’s not scared of us anymore.

So I’m driving two hours away to go on a date with the guy I went to school with. While in route, motorcycle guy calls me.

My first response? I smile.

I fucking smile.

Part of me knew I would hear from him again but part of me knew that we were done.

We start talking and he finally admits that my risky text scared him. Then tried to cover that up saying that nothing scares him but that’s when it all clicked for me – I scare him.

Over the past week, he’s been in a lot of shit. So, of course, I cut him some slack.

Now, part of the meetings that I attend say not to hold resentment – forgiveness is needed for your happiness. I’m also learning to appreciate the now more. Sure, it’s great to have an idea of what I want to do this weekend but definite plans will happen when it gets here. Another is attracting people who are available and this is the one that really latches onto me.

What do you do when you both feel something so incredibly strong but one of you is scared? Scared of letting anyone in again. Scared of letting go and opening up more. 

I wish I knew.

He told me how there’s no other girl in the world like me but he doesn’t know how to give his heart away again. He doesn’t know how to communicate like he used to. He told me that he’s not sure if he wants to be tied down. Honestly, I don’t know if I want that either. I don’t want to be tied down, I want to grow with someone. 

I can’t fix him. I don’t want to. The only thing I can truly do is be his friend. No matter how much it hurts, I can only be his friend. 

Truth is, it kills me that he knows and feels what we are/what we could be. I can’t be mad though because he doesn’t want to jump into this until he’s ready. I can respect that. 

But he’s also talking about leaving. Into another state. Now, where I’m at, there’s only a couple states that would straight suck if he moved to and where he’s moving isn’t one of them. Ultimately, it puts him 2-2.5 hours away. Still not bad. But he’s also thinking about moving closer. It could go any way.

When he told me this, my heart kind of broke knowing that he would be even further away. It also had a glimmer of hope. But in the same conversation, “but what about you?” and all of this crazy talk about how he wants to be closer and not farther.

Either he is the BEST manipulator ever or what I’m feeling between us is true. 

We literally talked for what felt like 10 minutes but was really 45. I laughed more than I’ve laughed for a while. And when we hung up, I was pissed. I was frustrated. Here I was going on a date and I planned a weekend with him. Here I don’t hear from him in over a week, and am livid, only to learn some bad shit happened. Here I am bitter and he reached out to me when he needed a friend. 

Honestly, I’ve spent so much time asking others for guidance that I’ve never trusted my own instincts. Regardless of him not talking to me, regardless of not seeing him, I am still drawn to him and I still trust him. I still feel connected on a level that I don’t understand- that is beyond me.

If you look at him on paper, nothing about us fits together. But together? I’ve never been at such peace with another person.

So this is part three. I’m not even sure where it’s going. I’m not sure if I’m an idiot. I’m not sure if I’m gullible. All I’m sure about is how my happiness is intensified when we see each other or talk. If I don’t take the risk then will I regret it later? Ive got to go with this because if I don’t then I’ll always wonder what if…?

The Guy from High School

Lesson 14. No more guys I went to high school with.

I promised myself that I would never, ever date another guy that I went to school with.

Ever.

And then this shit happens.

So, this guy in particular doesn’t live where we grew up anymore. Neither do I but we don’t live close to each other either. Being the small world that it is, I found out about maybe a year ago that he hangs out with the guys in my family.

How does this happen? Sports. So who starts getting hell about said guy from the members in her family? This girl.

So he finds out I’m related and has been subtly trying to get me to hang out. I say subtle but sometimes it was very blunt as he was super drunk and Facetiming me.

At any rate.

I finally give in.

Y’all know that I go to meetings. So after my meeting, I drove two hours to hang out and have drinks.

I show up and he’s all like “I’m sleepy”.

What?

He proceeds to say we should have a few shots, which I argue because I was gonna drive home. He proceeds to tell me I can crash there. Okay, whatever. But midnight rolls around and I’m like okay I’m ready for bed. He lets me borrow a shirt, promises no risky business, and we lay down.

Two hours later, guess who’s on top of me?

πŸ™„

FUCKBOY. Nothing happened as I kept saying no, but it’s the fucking point.

I was skeptical about this whole situation but figured what the hell, why not? He was super shy in school so I figured it could go either way. I was really hoping he would prove me wrong.

Lesson: it didn’t work then, it probably won’t work now. The world is massive, I’d rather waste my time on someone I don’t fucking know.

I’m getting really fucking sick of all the fuckboys. And just when that happens, I get another unexpected surprise…

The Carpenter

Lesson 13. The sex may be really good but don’t lead him on.

So, when I met the carpenter he seemed normal. 420 friendly but whatever. Cute, hard worker, but honestly I didn’t know much about him. We didn’t talk long before meeting up. Then we hooked up. Then I learned he believes the world is flat.

Yupppp.

He believes the world is flat.

Literally, I cannot.

Not only is the world flat but space is like a myth. No one has ever been to space. Or the moon.

Y’all. 😢

It took everything I had not to laugh. Now, don’t get me wrong, I respect his opinion but I simply do not agree with it.

Thinking long term – how would we explain to our kids that daddy thinks the world is flat and mommy believes in the universe and aliens and shit?!

It just doesn’t mix.

On top of that, he started to catch feelings that I wasn’t ready for. During sex, we had a connection but before or after? Not so much.

Lesson: if it’s not magical and unicorns and out of this world shit, then why bother? Because the sex is good? πŸ™„ no. Don’t waste your time or his (especially if y’all aren’t on the same page).

Dealing With It…

So I’ve noticed a pattern with me – when my heart gets broken, I become a hoe.

And I’m not ashamed of it.

So there’s pros and cons with this:

Pros:

1. I focus on other guys besides the one I was hung up on.

πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ‘πŸ½ most likely I’ve let my mind be consumed by that guy and drove myself crazy, all while ignoring the guys who actually gave a fuck. So, I preoccupy my mind with different guys. This is different from paying attention to one to start dating them, this is more rebound.

2. I have fun and don’t second guess it.

I do the most spontaneous things with a broken heart. Being a hoe. Adopting a dog. Jumping out of a plane. I say yes to literally, almost, everything.

3. It helps me realize my worth again.

A lot of girls may feel like shit after hooking up with guys, but it gives me a high (remember, I go to meetings). I remember that I’m wanted and reminded by how bad ass I am πŸ’πŸ½

Cons

1. Guys catch feelings when I don’t want them to

It’s always at the most inconvenient time and always the guys I don’t care to carry on a relationship with. Dammit.

2. The number situation

Ugh, then there’s adding to your number πŸ™„ fuck that number anyway.

3. Kind of gets exhausting 

Keeping up with all the guys and dating like a guy can be SO exhausting. That’s usually when I crash and start being a good girl again πŸ˜‚

I don’t slut shame – I have no right to. Society has been taught that women/ladies/girls are these fragile creatures that need to be handled delicately and anything outside of fragility and delicacy is taboo. Having a sex drive, being openly sexual, not being modest, cussing, tattoos, being outspoken, wild – all frowned upon. But why?

Fuck that.

It may be my gypsy soul but I love all that shit. I love doing whatever I want. I love just running. I love adding body work to my temple. I love calling people out on their bullshit. I love having sex. 

If I want to get laid, I don’t give a shit about someone else’s opinion.

The thing is, when I’m into someone I give them my all. There’s no questioning my loyalty or intentions. When it all goes to hell in a handbag? It’s like I make up for lost time. I give all those guys who wanted a chance, a chance. I see if I’ve been missing out on anything. Sometimes that means going on multiple dates in one day. Sometimes that means having sex. Sometimes that means doing something crazy like going into a different city at 10 at night in order to have drinks with someone who lives two hours away.

My point? Just do it. Who gives a fuck about what anyone else thinks? You do you. Whatever makes you happy, do it. Use your heartbreak to experience something new and crazy. Something completely out of your character because why not??


The Steelers Fan

Lesson 12. If he has a huge tattoo of a sports team, can he really be THAT interesting?

So I matched up with this guy. Same age, super cute, he told me he worked for a HUGE company (so I was like damn, boy has his head in his shoulders).

We talk for literally a month and a half (off and on because motorcycle guy is a douche) before we decide to meet up.

We meet at a brewery and he’s super sweet. However, in my drunken stupor (I’m refraining from drinking here on out) I look over the following facts that I learn during our date:

1. He still lives at home. Supposedly waiting on his friend to get a good job so they can be roomies.

What?! Are you not capable of living on your own? No thanks.

2. Sadly, while intoxicated, we made it back to my place. Where I learn that he has a MASSIVE steelers tattoo. Massive.

Now I’m all for body art. I have huge tattoos, they don’t bother me… when they are nice tattoos. This one? Not so much. His others were nice. Idk where that one went wrong.

3. I’m 79% sure he’s uncircumcised.

It was just different for me. Not something I’d ever experienced before and it really didn’t feel amazing. Sex is a huge part of me (I go to meetings πŸ™„) and I really need to enjoy it. It just wasn’t working for me. So I stopped.

During sex, I stopped. I jumped off and said I cannot do this. I have neverΒ done that. Ever.

After that whole situation, I was thinking maybe if we don’t have sex then I will like him for him and the sex will be good down the road. So, I voted to keep talking to him. What could it hurt?

Literally, so boring. Like, we don’t talk about ANYTHING. Just the usual how’s your day going? I miss you (him, because I rarely miss people). Blah, blah, blah.

There’s nothing to keep me coming back. He tried (and is still trying). But honestly, why try to force it?

My point? If all he can think of getting tattooed on his body is a huge ass tattoo of a sports team, does he really have much to offer personality wise?

Lesson: I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again TATTOOS ARE SO IMPORTANT. If he has them, really look at them and ask him why. We all have drunken mistakes but was it thought out? Was it spur of the moment? Can you stand to look at it FOREVER?

When Do You Let Go?

I have been MIA as I’ve been trying to figure out where to turn, what choices to ultimately make.

Motorcycle guy is one of those where I try to let go and move on and what does he do? Drops back in momentarily only to disappear again. And it kills me.

Maybe his intentions are good. Maybe he doesn’t even realize what he does. But it’s soooo hard to try to date other people when he gives me a small glimmer of hope. My mind starts thinking about him again and I can’t focus on the other guys.

I know enough to realize that he’s simply stringing me along. And then there’s part of me who is thinking “but if you hang on, will it pay off in the long run?”.

Y’all. I’ve had two really good dates since then. And one is making me see how motorcycle guy SHOULD be. 


This. πŸ™ŒπŸ½

It’s time to block. To cut off. To stop being a “friend” because that is getting me no where but hurt. 

The universe brings you things that you need right now. He was brought to me in order for me to realize that. 

Date the guy who sends you a cute text. Who asks you what your favorite flower is. Who wants to spend time with you and MAKES the time to do so. Who is full of words AND actions. Of course there needs to be that deep connection. It still needs to be magical- it can’t just be magical in one aspect but ALL. 

We get so worried about being called crazy that we forget to truly feel our emotions. We forget to ask ourselves why do I feel this way? When we are upset, we need to honor our feelings and realize that we feel like that because of something. Address it and move on. If that constant feeling keeps coming back, then what type of relationship are you allowing yourself to have with yourself? Do not allow a boy to tell you that you are crazy because he made you feel a certain way. He is crazy for not owning up to his mistakes and fixing them.

Ultimately, motorcycle guy missed out on a good girl. I may have fun, I may like to party, but I have my shit together, I know what I want, I know what I deserve, and I’m not putting up with half-ass shit from any guy. I need a guy who is on my level and I won’t find that over night. Don’t be scared to be picky. Never settle. There are 7 billion people in the world, your magical unicorn is out there but you gotta be patient and you gotta know your worth.

The Motorcycle Guy, Part II

Lesson 11: it’s okay to walk away when they don’t step up.

Y’all have heard me talk about him, God did we share some vibes. It’s difficult for me to be so comfortable around someone, feel so much energy, feel so alive, feel like I could talk to them for days about the universe and nothing at the same time. It’s difficult to let that go.

The thing is, no matter how great he was he just wasn’t enoughΒ for me.

He vibed with my soul. And that shit was awesome. I didn’t care what he looked like. It wasn’t about sex. It was legitimately about me being drawn to him.

But he chose when I deserved that greatness. It wasn’t something that was constant. How fair is that? I don’t want to hear excuses, I want to hear honesty. And, honestly, I wasn’t important enough to send a good morning text. I wasn’t important enough to send a random text throughout the day. I wasn’t important enough to make timeΒ for me. But, dammit, when he did decide I was important enough it was awesome.

Some people just aren’t ready for some things. It’s not you or anything you did. Maybe you scare them. Maybe the vibes are definitely real and they weren’t ready for that yet. Some people fear love. Even before it’s love. They see the intensity of what could be and they decide that it’s not feasible right now.

I’m not going to let these men make me jaded. Truth is, not all guys are the same. Maybe I haven’t felt that kind of connection before but I’ll never be someone’s backup plan, no matter how early in the game we are. We can take it slow and still be about each other and vocal about it.

My risky text that I sent, calling him out on him being pretty absent lately, went unresponded. Nothing.

People have been hurt. They’ve had their hearts broken. They’ve went through hell and have made it back stronger than ever. We all have our own story. Don’t let your past make you build walls to where you are unable to be present and realize what’s in front of you. To embrace the now for everything it’s worth.

The Firefighter

Let me first start this one by saying, I met him off of Facebook and not Bumble (sorry guys) and actually dated him for like six months (sorry again). Still. LOTS of lessons to share. Let’s begin..

Lesson 10. Date on your level.

Of all lessons learned during this relationship, dating a guy who is on the same level as you stands out the most. 

What do I mean by level? Well. Education wise, financially wise, even physically wise.

Before you go calling me shallow, hear me out.

The firefighter was so cute to me. Good heart. Funny. Super Christian. Hunter. Family guy. Just great in general. But he was EXTREMELY insecure about his looks.

We broke up because it got to the point where he constantly thought I was cheating on him even though I did literally EVERYTHING with him. He worried about me at work. At the store. DRIVING. Any time I wasn’t with him. It was ridiculous. And ultimately it came down to looks.

As I’ve stated before, I’m a pretty confident person; I am who I am and if you don’t like it then fuck off. I think this attracted him to me. The problem is, strong women attract ALL kinds of men, even men who are intimidated and/or can’t handle what said strong women have to offer. They admire her and just want to know what it’s like to have a woman like that in their lives. 

It’s selfish, really.

I’m also carefree. I may get jealous but I don’t acknowledge it and, if I do, I handle it calmly. 

Because of his insecurities, our relationship crumpled. I could no longer have any freedom. I wasn’t allowed to do anything on my own (including working out). I wouldn’t change into the woman he wanted me to be because I don’t need to change.

Let me repeat that for y’all.

You πŸ‘πŸ½ do πŸ‘πŸ½ not πŸ‘πŸ½ needπŸ‘πŸ½ toπŸ‘πŸ½ changeπŸ‘πŸ½ inπŸ‘πŸ½ orderπŸ‘πŸ½ forπŸ‘πŸ½ someoneπŸ‘πŸ½ toπŸ‘πŸ½ loveπŸ‘πŸ½ youπŸ‘πŸ½

I went through so much mental and physical abuse in those six months that I never imagined would have come from him. 

Then I got pregnant.

Even with a baby, he STILL didn’t trust me. So, I’m here to tell you that kids do NOT fix your situation. 

Not sure what you may or may not believe in but I prayed so hard. I prayed for answers. For solutions. For signs. Then it came.

I had a tubal pregnancy. I had to medically abort.

Then I was gone.

There were so many red flags before that that I just wanted to ignore them:

1. Was okay with girl nights at first then gradually started hating them.

2. Hated my family and hated that I would spend time with them instead of him.

3. Needed to talk at least once an hour.

4. Couldn’t go to lunch with people from work if men were going.

5. ALWAYS talked highly of me and would put himself down in comparison.

6. SUCH a good manipulator and had everyone fooled about who he truly was.

7. Super envious person.

8. Kept spending money on me.

There are so many more.

You cannot make someone feel secure with themselves. You cannot make someone confident. You cannot make someone realize their worth. That is ALL self help. If they do not seek it for themselves, they will never change.

Lesson: I can’t fix people. I try to see the best in them, to give them a chance but some just cannot handle my fire. That’s not my fault though. Now I know that dating someone on my level gives me one less thing to worry about. Jealousy can turn into such a nasty creature. 

Trust Your InstinctsΒ 

Honestly, my mind is in a jumble. I’ve met a couple people in my life where the connection was unreal. 

One was a married guy, so that stopped as soon as I found out.

Second was the motorcycle guy. 

Before we even met, there was such a connection. Sharing secrets, dreams, finishing each other’s thoughts. When we met, I was drawn to him. He had this energy that made me feel more alive. It was contagious. We spent a lot of time together that first week. Talked a lot. Texted when we could. Then over the course of a couple weeks, I felt him pulling back.

Still calling me pet names, still making plans. But we hadn’t seen each other in two weeks and he wasn’t reaching out to me like he was doing. Quick conversations, if any at all. But sweet during that time. 

I’m not a “what are we?” type girl. I don’t need that. What I need is a little more attention and a little more reassurance that you want this. I’m not trying to rush anything but it’s hard for me to go backwards. I, at least, want to know that you want to see me. I want to know if you think about me. I want some cute, sweet shit.

Y’all. I love hard. And this wasn’t love, I know that. But I could see myself eventually loving him. Maybe it was the way he made me feel – he had the same mindset that I did. I wanted to go on adventures with him and be lazy with him. I wanted him to do his thing and me do mine. I was never distrusting or suspicious, something in me just trusted him. And I still do.

The universe gives us exactly what we need right now. With that being said, he helped me change my way of thinking. To realize that we get back what we put in. That realization helped me realize my purpose in life and new long term goals. That realization helped me realize that I’m in so much control of what happens to me. 

And I have him to thank.

The universe brings you the things that you need right now. Maybe I needed him to guide me to that concept. But maybe that’s all the purpose he had for me. Without even knowing it (lord, no I didn’t share with him that he helped me discover my purpose! Cue crazy haha) he brought something new an fresh into my life that I needed.

So now we are at the part of the story where I figure out if that was it or if the universe has so much more planned. I have such peace knowing that if that’s all that evolved out of us, then I’m okay with that. But I also have a gut feeling that someone who had such an impact, in such a short amount of time, needs to stay in my life longer. I think of the possibilities and can only hope that I have someone, with such great energy, come into my life like this again.