Fear

Fear.

We spend our whole lives seeking safety, security, stability. We want consistency, reliability, and reassurance. We want to build our lives knowing what tomorrow holds. But why? Because we are scared. We get into a comfort zone and anything that threatens that comfort zone makes us extremely uncomfortable.

In the dating scene, we become uncomfortable letting people in. We are scared of risking our heart. We are scared of expressing our feelings. We are scared purely because of the reaction of another person. In the moment, in our heads, we feel those feelings freely. We sound so logical thinking about our love for another person. But when thinking about letting that other person know? We are scared.

What is it, exactly, that we fear? Rejection? Commitment? The unknown? The unfamiliarity of letting someone in? If our love is based on others then do we even love for ourselves? To love freely, should be expressed with no fear yet when we start falling for someone we try our damnedest to hide it. We try not to scare them away. We try to “keep” them.

Why am I scared to lose something that was never mine to keep? Why am I scared to express how I feel when I know that if I scare that person then maybe they weren’t ever ‘the one’?

Insecurities.

Somehow, I have gotten in my head that another person’s opinion of me shows me my worth. Let me repeat that: I have convinced myself that other’s opinions of me reflects the person I am. Why? In school, we are taught right and wrong. We are taught to get good grades. We are taught to strive for the best. Yet, our society is what creates the ‘best’. Our society determines what is good and what is bad.

For me to doubt my worth because of other’s opinions is normal as it has been engrained in me. To learn how to break that, to not care about what others think of me, has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

I used to get made fun of because of my acne, of my size, of my skin. I constantly had people telling me negative things about my appearance but was praised on my grades. I always thought I was the “ugly” one. The “fat” one. The one that was just never the complete package. If only I was as pretty as… If only I looked like… If only I was as skinny as…

Now that I am an adult, I know that there is far more than meets the eye but I always think that I am not good enough. I am always insecure about my appearance, about my weight. So how do you get over it? How do you accept who you are and say fuck everyone else? How do you stop caring about what others think of you? About whether or not you are accepted?

Insecurities and fear are the same thing. To overcome fear is to purposely do things that make you uncomfortable.

Love makes you uncomfortable. Especially new love. It makes you force yourself to put yourself out there when there is nothing but uncertainty.

I have thought about it over and over again. I have tried to convince myself that maybe it’s just not meant to be. I have tried to question my instincts. I have tried to let go. The thing is, once you’ve been in an abusive relationship you begin to doubt your choices. You begin to doubt your instincts. So I have approached this new love with such caution that I got lost and ended up giving my heart away without even noticing. How does that even work you ask? You’re guarded one minute and the next you’ve given away your heart. I don’t know how it happened. Our first conversation. Our first meeting. Our first kiss. The looks exchanged. The wavelength shared. I have TRIED to let go. I have tried to just let go and be done with it. I have tried to walk away and the universe keeps pulling me back. It’s not just him, it’s small synchronicities that keep leading back to him.

In both of my abusive relationships, I asked for signs and blatantly ignored them. I remember driving away from my ex’s house, calling my best friend, bawling my eyes out and asking the universe for a sign, for any sign on what I needed to do. My friend was scared. I received numerous threatening text messages demanding that I go back. I kept hearing a song by The Lumineers that talked about leaving. I kept trying to ignore all the bad and kept searching for the good signs.

So here I am, months later, possibly ignoring the good signs because they simply don’t meet my expectations. What are the bad signs? He has “no feelings”, it’s either one extreme or the other. He’s closed off. He doesn’t want his mom to know about me yet. He just moved three hours away. I mean are these bad signs or just inconveniences? Am I upset because the guy isn’t head over heels for me and it’s been almost four months?

I am scared because I feel as though he doesn’t feel the way that I do. So I pull back. Which makes him pull back. And then it’s one step forward and two steps back.

Not everyone loves like we do. Not everyone shows love like we do. We cannot decide who is right and who is wrong when it comes to expressing love. We put these nice little expectations on how we are supposed to be loved and sometimes we are totally wrong.

I have a guy who tells me that I am the only girl he is talking to, the only girl he is seeing. I have a guy who talks to me daily. I have a guy who shares a connection with me that is unimaginable. I have a guy who facetimes me when he is with his friends or answers the phone while he is out. I have a guy who has no reason to lie to me and yet I am still trying to make him out to be a liar. Out, Of. Fear. I am guarding my heart of anything good out of fear.

When the universe turns his Pandora station on and his favorite song is the first one to play, I need to listen (especially when I was listening to a different station before I got in the car). When the universe has me get lost hiking only to find a campground with his name on the reservation tag (his first name) when I went on a hike to clear my head, I should listen. When I have reached my wits end with him and am ready to throw in the towel and he calls me and reassures me, then maybe I should listen.

Maybe I should stop putting expectations on something that I am not even good at. Maybe I should not be scared of something because it is so different. Maybe I shouldn’t go to my friends and trust their advice because he doesn’t fall into their expectations. Maybe I should just trust my gut and know that there is a bigger reason as to why we are being pulled together.

The universe is full of so many signs if we are open to them. Maybe we are supposed to embrace the uncertainty, embrace the anxiety, and embrace the unknown. It’s all in the journey. We aren’t supposed to have it figured out before the puzzle comes together. All the pieces connect, eventually, and that is our destiny.

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