Awakened and Dating

As I approach 30, I’m so proud of the personal growth I’ve went through to become who I am. I went through SUCH changes after my separation and divorce that I’m definitely not the same person I was a couple years ago. Maybe, because I’m writing this following a breakup, I’m a little jaded and maybe a little bitter. Maybe I’m realizing that my eggs are a ticking time bomb but I know the connection I seek and I know I don’t want to settle. The girl a couple years ago just didn’t care.

That being said, I think THAT girl was dateable.

That girl was fun, carefree, a people pleaser, constantly busy, and constantly having a good time. And none of that is bad, at all. But she was staying busy to avoid the internal mess that was in her head.

I’m starting to think that the more awakened I become, the less of the dating scene I want. I will even go as far to say that I’m less dateable because of it.

While I’m still fun, carefree, and always making the best of situations, I’m no longer a people pleaser. Ive become more blunt since finding my inner peace and I’m finding a lot of bachelors do not appreciate that.

In the dating scene, I’ve learned to let go of expectations – if it clicks then it clicks, if it doesn’t then move on. I’m no longer insecure and know my worth. Is it with age that one truly starts to appreciate themselves and what they offer? There’s no more room for settling and most men simply do not want to step up.

I feel as though I’m at a weird age for dating, anyway. Most of my friends are in serious relationships or have kids already. Me? I’m planning a girls trip to Mexico to celebrate my 30th. The guys my age are immature and typically go for younger women. Guys in their mid-thirties have kids already and just got out of something serious. Surely I can’t be the only divorced 29 year old who wants companionship over a lay?!

I crave that connection. Being physically attracted to someone is important but so is that person’s character and intellect and personality. It’s got to be deeper than looks. We’ve got to connect on a cosmic level.

Then I talk about the moon and the stars and the universe and chakras and crystals and I’m called weird anyway 🙄

Has dating always been this difficult? Have people always been so closed minded? Has my awakening caused me to become more picky? Obviously it all happens for a reason but does it get better!

Fear

Fear.

We spend our whole lives seeking safety, security, stability. We want consistency, reliability, and reassurance. We want to build our lives knowing what tomorrow holds. But why? Because we are scared. We get into a comfort zone and anything that threatens that comfort zone makes us extremely uncomfortable.

In the dating scene, we become uncomfortable letting people in. We are scared of risking our heart. We are scared of expressing our feelings. We are scared purely because of the reaction of another person. In the moment, in our heads, we feel those feelings freely. We sound so logical thinking about our love for another person. But when thinking about letting that other person know? We are scared.

What is it, exactly, that we fear? Rejection? Commitment? The unknown? The unfamiliarity of letting someone in? If our love is based on others then do we even love for ourselves? To love freely, should be expressed with no fear yet when we start falling for someone we try our damnedest to hide it. We try not to scare them away. We try to “keep” them.

Why am I scared to lose something that was never mine to keep? Why am I scared to express how I feel when I know that if I scare that person then maybe they weren’t ever ‘the one’?

Insecurities.

Somehow, I have gotten in my head that another person’s opinion of me shows me my worth. Let me repeat that: I have convinced myself that other’s opinions of me reflects the person I am. Why? In school, we are taught right and wrong. We are taught to get good grades. We are taught to strive for the best. Yet, our society is what creates the ‘best’. Our society determines what is good and what is bad.

For me to doubt my worth because of other’s opinions is normal as it has been engrained in me. To learn how to break that, to not care about what others think of me, has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

I used to get made fun of because of my acne, of my size, of my skin. I constantly had people telling me negative things about my appearance but was praised on my grades. I always thought I was the “ugly” one. The “fat” one. The one that was just never the complete package. If only I was as pretty as… If only I looked like… If only I was as skinny as…

Now that I am an adult, I know that there is far more than meets the eye but I always think that I am not good enough. I am always insecure about my appearance, about my weight. So how do you get over it? How do you accept who you are and say fuck everyone else? How do you stop caring about what others think of you? About whether or not you are accepted?

Insecurities and fear are the same thing. To overcome fear is to purposely do things that make you uncomfortable.

Love makes you uncomfortable. Especially new love. It makes you force yourself to put yourself out there when there is nothing but uncertainty.

I have thought about it over and over again. I have tried to convince myself that maybe it’s just not meant to be. I have tried to question my instincts. I have tried to let go. The thing is, once you’ve been in an abusive relationship you begin to doubt your choices. You begin to doubt your instincts. So I have approached this new love with such caution that I got lost and ended up giving my heart away without even noticing. How does that even work you ask? You’re guarded one minute and the next you’ve given away your heart. I don’t know how it happened. Our first conversation. Our first meeting. Our first kiss. The looks exchanged. The wavelength shared. I have TRIED to let go. I have tried to just let go and be done with it. I have tried to walk away and the universe keeps pulling me back. It’s not just him, it’s small synchronicities that keep leading back to him.

In both of my abusive relationships, I asked for signs and blatantly ignored them. I remember driving away from my ex’s house, calling my best friend, bawling my eyes out and asking the universe for a sign, for any sign on what I needed to do. My friend was scared. I received numerous threatening text messages demanding that I go back. I kept hearing a song by The Lumineers that talked about leaving. I kept trying to ignore all the bad and kept searching for the good signs.

So here I am, months later, possibly ignoring the good signs because they simply don’t meet my expectations. What are the bad signs? He has “no feelings”, it’s either one extreme or the other. He’s closed off. He doesn’t want his mom to know about me yet. He just moved three hours away. I mean are these bad signs or just inconveniences? Am I upset because the guy isn’t head over heels for me and it’s been almost four months?

I am scared because I feel as though he doesn’t feel the way that I do. So I pull back. Which makes him pull back. And then it’s one step forward and two steps back.

Not everyone loves like we do. Not everyone shows love like we do. We cannot decide who is right and who is wrong when it comes to expressing love. We put these nice little expectations on how we are supposed to be loved and sometimes we are totally wrong.

I have a guy who tells me that I am the only girl he is talking to, the only girl he is seeing. I have a guy who talks to me daily. I have a guy who shares a connection with me that is unimaginable. I have a guy who facetimes me when he is with his friends or answers the phone while he is out. I have a guy who has no reason to lie to me and yet I am still trying to make him out to be a liar. Out, Of. Fear. I am guarding my heart of anything good out of fear.

When the universe turns his Pandora station on and his favorite song is the first one to play, I need to listen (especially when I was listening to a different station before I got in the car). When the universe has me get lost hiking only to find a campground with his name on the reservation tag (his first name) when I went on a hike to clear my head, I should listen. When I have reached my wits end with him and am ready to throw in the towel and he calls me and reassures me, then maybe I should listen.

Maybe I should stop putting expectations on something that I am not even good at. Maybe I should not be scared of something because it is so different. Maybe I shouldn’t go to my friends and trust their advice because he doesn’t fall into their expectations. Maybe I should just trust my gut and know that there is a bigger reason as to why we are being pulled together.

The universe is full of so many signs if we are open to them. Maybe we are supposed to embrace the uncertainty, embrace the anxiety, and embrace the unknown. It’s all in the journey. We aren’t supposed to have it figured out before the puzzle comes together. All the pieces connect, eventually, and that is our destiny.

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Can’t be Consistent

You know who you are and maybe you don’t even realize you do it. The only consistency I can count on is the fact that you will be so into us for three weeks and then, like clockwork, you become so distant.

Do you have any idea what it does to me? Here’s a glimpse:

We will, literally, see each other once a month. But that one time is about a week long. Every time. And when it comes to say goodbye, I cry. Not in front of you but it happens. I think about how good it feels to come home to you. I think about how good it feels to wake up next to you, to eat with you, go places with you, feel you grab my hand in the middle of the night, see you look at me and smile for no reason – honestly, how I feel during that week makes up for not being able to spend time with you. Distance makes things difficult but it’s totally worth it when we are with each other and the connection is so beyond me that I can’t even describe it to my friends or family.

After you leave, we talk religiously. FaceTime, phone calls, texting. I love looking down and seeing a notification from you. It may not consume the day but I don’t need that. Just hearing from you and us talking about our day is great. Making you laugh. Cute comments. I look forward to those little things when we aren’t able to physically see each other. 

The amount we talk after you leave has gradually increased with time. But after three months, I’ve noticed that something happens overnight and you pull away.

I know it’s not me. I haven’t changed. My feelings haven’t changed. My conversation isn’t dull. My humor is still there. I don’t talk to you any different. I don’t “up” the amount we talk. I have learned to not put expectations on when I will see you again and to love today, only.

But when you pull back when things seem to be going so well? Why? What do you prove? Are you trying to prove something to yourself or to me? Are you scared of me and what I offer? Do you know, but are scared of the fact, that I am everything you’ve dreamt about? Are you scared of the hurt that may come? 

You are so amazing for three weeks. And out of nowhere you decide that maybe you’re too busy.  Maybe your life isn’t the way you want it to be and you don’t want a relationship to blossom in times like these. Maybe you’re scared of the feelings that you do feel – even though you try to tell me you have none. Maybe you’re scared of the possibility of what we could be if you gave us a shot.

But that’s selfish. 

I can’t put expectations on love. I can’t control who will love me, the depth to which they will love me, or how long that love will last. I don’t want to. I want to let go. I want to let go and just love without worry. Love without expecting anything in return. Love and know that I gave my all, no matter what.

The connection we have isn’t something I’ve made up in my head. The conversations we have don’t just occur between people who are not on the same page. The electricity when we touch isn’t something that happens often. And the magic when we kiss isn’t something that I just feel for the hell of it.

You’re scared? Welcome to the club. But here’s the thing. I’m not interested in tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. I’m interested in today. I’m interested in hearing your voice and learning about your day. I’m interested in knowing what’s going wrong and what’s going right. I’m interested in knowing your goals and dreams and aspirations. I’m interested in knowing your fake stress and real stress. I’m interested in being your friend- a person you can count on no matter what. I’m interested in you. Every. Single. Day.

I do not care about the mistakes you’ve made or your past or anything bad that you may or may not have done. I don’t see you or judge you for anything like that. What I see when I look at you is your heart and soul and I can tell you now that that is nothing I’ve experienced before.

Every time you pull away and don’t communicate, I try to tell myself that this isn’t worth it. I’ll clear my head and not worry about you. You know what happens?

Things like taking a random trip to a new park to try some new trails. I get lost hiking, end up in a campground, and see your name written on a camping spot (and your name isn’t even common. Wtfffff?!). Or on that same hike I run into a woman with a dog whose name is your old dog’s name (one I never even heard of until you).

I’ll get in my car and have my favorite Pandora station on when I leave my apartment but my car decides to play your station and your favorite song comes on. Why?

I’ll be texting a friend and some random word autocorrects to your name. How?

Every time I’m at my calmest, clearest mindset, the universe throws you in there. And I’m finally listening. I’m finally seeing ALL the signs. I’m finally realizing that we are constantly pulled together. I haven’t heard from you in a couple days? I’ll think about if you’re okay and you call. We share a wavelength that I can’t unshare. We weren’t even supposed to match on Bumble. My miles were set up for 30 but you happened to be driving through my area. 

It’s crazy. And it scares me too. We have all been hurt. We all have a story. We all are scared to death of a love that has the capacity to truly break us. But what if it doesn’t? Why live in fear? Why push love away in fear? 

I’ve tried to convince myself that I’ve done exactly that with us – convinced myself that I feel more than you and we aren’t on the same page at all. I try to convince myself that I’ve made it all up. 

And then you prove to me over and over again that it’s not just me. Just when I start really seeing you, you pull away. And it breaks me, every single time. It tugs at my heart strings. It hurts not hearing from you. It hurts knowing that you couldn’t stand not talking to me every day but then you can totally go 2-3 days. 

I’m not sure what to do anymore. I know we both have tried talking to other people and it’s proved that there is no one like each other. Is it the distance? Is it because it takes more effort that you’re just not ready to give? Or is it just because of life? You’ll start opening up more and then shut down. You’ve said before that I intimidate you sometimes because I expect you to follow through with your word. But please realize that that is what makes us grow. I hold you accountable. I expect the best out of you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not understanding if you fail. We all fail. Then we learn from the failure and try again. I want to be your motivation and vice versa. 

We are constantly going three steps forwards and two steps back. Is hanging in there going to pay off for us? Will you always be like this? Or will it click one day and you’ll realize that what we share is out of this world? That what we have is magical and although there will be tough times, the good we share will triumph?

I could go on and on about the confusion I face. About how nothing and no one has compared to you, to date. About how stinking cute we are when you embrace it. But you’re slowly breaking my heart. It’s so lame but I knew before we met that we were something. I knew after we first hung out that I was either going to be completely happy or completely screwed. I knew upon meeting you that my world changed. My feelings for you have been constant and you have taken up a space in my heart that I never knew existed. 

The universe gives us exactly what we are ready for at the exact moment that we need it. Are you a lesson for me? If so, why can’t you break my heart and move on? I think it’s because you know that if you let me go, regardless of what is going on in your life, you know you are letting go of the best thing that is going on in your life at this very moment. You’re scared to hang on and yet you’re scared to let go. And it’s not a fair place for me.

The distance between us has enabled me to find more of myself. To do things that I want to do, to hike, have girls nights, to be with my family, to appreciate my alone time. It’s also made me appreciate my time with you.

You’ve got to decide what you want. I’m not asking for forever. I’m not asking for tomorrow. I’m asking for today. I’m asking you to decide if you want me right now. Am I someone you can do without? Am I someone you can go a day without talking to? Am I someone you can go all day without thinking about? Because if I am, I need you to let me go. You need to stop being scared and either embrace me or lose me.

Today is all that matters and if I do not matter to you today then I do not want to matter to you at all.

-S

Minding Your Own Business

With mine and motorcycle guy’s relationship really starting to become consistent, I’ve been wondering why it’s taken this long to get here. What are we doing differently now than before? He’s even moved further away so you would think that things would be dwindling and not thriving. 

For once, I feel like I’ve finally figured MYSELF out and maybe that’s the key to relationships – yourself.

Let me go into more detail.

I’ve always been curious about what people think about me – do they think I’m pretty? Smart? Are they interested? Do they like me the same way I like them? Do I like them more? Are they thinking about me? Why aren’t they talking to me?

🙄🙄🙄

WHY DOES IT MATTER?!

I would always reason my obsession with “I need to know that they’re in it so that I’m in it too”. No hunny, no. Your feelings, emotions, self-worth, confidence, NONE of those stem from other people.  That, my friends, is codependency at its finest.

If I like someone, I let them know. How they act after that gives me my green light or red light, so to speak. 

I had a situation happen last week where I was vocal about my feelings and EXPECTED the other person to be vocal about theirs. Why? Because I wanted reassurance. I didn’t look at the situation and think to myself “well, duh they’re interested. Look what they’re doing…”. I looked at the situation and thought “well why don’t he just come out and say…”. In the end, I didn’t get the reassurance I was looking for but I got reassurance in the form that he could give. 

I had told him how much I liked him and I asked him if I was wasting my time. His response? I don’t have feelings, I do what I want. I was offended (at first) because I took that as I don’t have feelings for you. But that’s not what he said. He realized how it upset me and after taking a walk I realized that he was just being honest. I went back and apologized because I had asked him for his feelings and denied what he was trying to tell me. I accepted his reply and noted his current situation (which I knew going into this whole mess)- he’s been hurt, he’s jaded, and possibly emotionally unavailable (I’ll dive into that later). 

The next day he tells me how hard it is to say goodbye to me. Me, being the sarcastic person that I am, I reply with “it shouldn’t be that hard since this isn’t nothing but a thing”. His response… it’s hard to say goodbye when you have feelings. He saw my hurt and compromised and that showed me SO much.

I’ve been preaching this and will continue to: EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. We show emotions and feelings differently. We can’t expect everyone to love and share and feel the same ways that we do.  As I talked to him during my lunch today, it hit me (and I vocalized it to him as the lightbulb went off haha). 

We were talking about feelings – how I feel too much and how he’s supposedly heartless. I told him “I know that I feel a lot but I’d rather feel too much than to be jaded. I know you have feelings for me too and I can be patient with you while you take time to figure it out and admit it to yourself”. I could hear him smiling in his response – we both know how we feel for each other. It doesn’t need to be discussed every day. It doesn’t need to be reassured or validated. 

I realized today that I am comfortable enough with myself to know my worth. I’ve tried to fake it up until this point by proving to myself that I was worth it because of the people who wanted me but that I didn’t want back. Just because someone wants to sleep with you doesn’t mean anything. Just because you’re wanted, it doesn’t mean anything. Whatever others think of you, IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING. 

I’ve really taken some time to appreciate who I am as a person and what I offer in terms of my character. Who I am isn’t based off of my looks. Who I am isn’t about how liked I am. In today’s society, we get so engrossed in social media (which can be a popularity contest) that we forget that it’s just the fucking internet. How many of my Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat friends really know me? Who really appreciates me?

I’ve met several men who have seen me and just wanted that. They didn’t care to know my story, my hurt, my weirdness, my laugh. They didn’t care to know my soul. 

The past month or so, I’ve really forgotten that my energy puts out vibes that come back to me. I’ve forgotten to appreciate the now. And every time that happens, motorcycle guy reappears and helps me realize that what matters is in the moment. 

Once you’re in your universe, in your vortex, you stop thinking about how you may come off to others and focus your energy on being the best person you can be. You focus on feeling happy, content, grateful, appreciative. You allow yourself to feel your feelings; to own your emotions and know that you are only in control of yourself. 

Because of that realization, I am not worried about how people feel about me. I am emitting such good vibes/frequencies that their reciprocation isn’t needed. If they cannot appreciate what I am sending out then they do not belong here.  What am I also not worried about? I’m not worried about the guy. I’m not obsessing over what he’s doing, why we aren’t talking, if he’s taking to other girls – I’m just not worried about it. 

But let me say that, that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. We have been talking inconsistently for two months. I’m always drawn back to him. I’m always pulled to him. We haven’t had sex. It’s like my soul just wants to vibe with his and be happy. So, obviously I do care. Like, a LOT. But I also am content with and accept who we both are as individuals and where we both are in life.

I believe that self-growth is also important here. I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned, thanks to him, that I know that even if his time with me isn’t permanent, my soul is so grateful to have encountered his. I think that’s part of being in the moment – you realize your blessings and appreciate everything for what it is. 

So right now, in this moment, I am thankful that the universe has kept us giving off of each other. I am thankful to know that I can be 100% me and it is met with complete acceptance. There’s no hiding who I am or how I feel because I am completely up front with that. There’s no worrying about the other party because I am focused on myself.

There comes a time in life where you want to grow WITH someone and not grow off of them (I think my phrasing sounds weird but I hope you guys understand what I’m saying). I definitely hope that there are more tomorrows that are like today. But in the meantime, I will settle with knowing that my minds and my heart are completely content, happy, and grateful for everything that is today.

Reading Vibes

Let me start by saying that I’m REALLY good at picking up vibes from guys during dates. I can tell the ones that I don’t vibe well with and vice versa. There’s totally nothing wrong with that – you two just aren’t meant to be so whatever.

But what about when you get good vibes and then sketchy shit happens?

Case in point:

Had a date with a new guy. Everything I’ve wrote about in the past applies to this one: chatted on snap, talked on the phone (another one for HOURS), so after a week we decide to meet up.

We go for drinks, hang out at the bar for a couple hours. By then it’s kinda late (work night) so when he brings up doing something else I’m kind of surprised but go with it. Settled on watching a popular show at his place. After the long ass show ends, I stay an additional hour and a half to two hours and we just talk and laugh. He walks me to my car, gives me a hug, and talks about how next time our hangout shouldn’t be during the work week.

The next day? Nothing. 

What in the actual fuck?

Why waste my time or yours? If I’m not feeling you after drinks, my ass sure as hell isnt inviting you to my apartment. I don’t get fuckboy vibes from him so I am pretty positive he wasn’t looking for a hookup. So what the hell is going on?

This has happened a few other times before:

1. The Trucker (I’ll get to him eventually): had a good date, told me to text him when I got home and how when he got back to town the following week, we would hang out. Tells mutual friends I’m weird because I believe in the universe (he’s country af so my feelings aren’t hurt). Never hear from him again.

2. The Basketball Player (another I’ll get to): went on a date to the movies, hung out a little after, we both got busy and it just faded out. He actually hit me up recently wanting to hang out again though so not sure if he counts completely.

3. The Pipeliner: wants to ask me to give him a blow job on our second date and when I don’t, I don’t hear from him.. FUCKBOY.

My point is. Why act interested? Why say you’ll make plans? Why bother with that mess at all?

Am I too straightforward to date? Do I call out too much bullshit? Like, wtf is wrong with guys? 

If I’m not interested, I’m not going to feed your ego just to let you down slowly or ghost on you. I’ll let you know that I don’t feel a connection or that I’m just not into it. I’m not going to lie to your fucking face and pretend I want to see you again because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. 

Honestly, I give two shits if I hurt your feelings. I’d rather be honest than to lead someone on or to waste time. 87% of the time, I probably come off crazy af because I’m THAT girl who will text you after you not responding to my snaps or texts saying “what’s up? Did I read your vibes wrong”, but do I care?

Nope.

If you’re not man enough to be upfront with me then why would I want that in my life? What I seek is honesty. Be truthful with me. Did I do something you didn’t like? Don’t find me attractive in real life? Think I’m lame? Like, really I just like the feedback.

So, if you’re out there in the dating world.. don’t be the dick who just builds a date up only to have no intentions of following through. Be up front with them so they aren’t hoping that you’ll pull through. You’ll feel less like an asshole and they’ll feel better too ✌🏽

The Teacher

Lesson 16: if your gaydar goes off, he’s probably, at least, bisexual.

The Teacher was cuuuuuuute. He met ALL my requirements and then some: cute, funny, clean, smart, went to school where my family is from, sociable, sweet.

The first night we hung out, we watched planes take off and land near an airport and listened to music and talked about random shit. Pretty good first date. Nothing sexual but definitely some cuddling.

During the first date, he talks about his mentor and how he’s been great helping him with teaching and life in general. His mentor is able to calm him down when he’s stressed and they spend quite a lot of time together. He tells me that some of his friends think his mentor is gay and has a thing for him but that he isn’t sure. Goes on to talk about how they go hiking, he takes him out to dinner, buys him groceries…

What?! Whatever.

Second date he comes to my place and we hang out for a bit and then have sex. The sex was okaaayyyy. I told him that I was just starting my period so it was light but definitely there but he still wanted to go for it so whatever. He’s kinda awkward during sex and couldn’t really maintain tempo which made it difficult for me. Anyway. After we are through, he’s freaking out because of the blood. 

What the fuck.

We just discussed that but whatever. Then he’s on his phone. Then he passes out. I’m like… okaaaayyyyy.

So I called him out on the weirdness and he’s all “sorry babe, I guess I was just super tired”. Okay.

We hang out again, I’m just getting off work so I haven’t had time to freshen up. He wants to grab food and drinks so I’m like okayyyy. I get to his place and he’s prettier than I am and I’m not dealing with that shit. He dresses down a little bit and we go out. We go to this cute rooftop bar and he keeps turning around to see the “skyline”. no sex because I learned my lesson there, but we stay up talking and laughing and it’s cute. I leave the next morning, write a cute note, and go to work.

That day, one of his friends invites him for a ride on her boat. Okay, cool. I’m having a mani and pedi date with my cousin so idgaf. He tells his mentor and apparently he gives him the third degree for going out on the lake with her. Why??? Why would a professional mentor give a flying fuck about who you are hanging out with?

At any rate. I invite him to go on the lake with me and a few of my cousins. He blends in, we have fun, great.

We get back to his place and he’s talking about how my cousin is pretty but “jeez, those stretch marks. That’s what I worry about with my wife having kids”. 

😶

What?!

The next day we have fun but I gotta get back home. When I’m leaving he says “my mentor is coming over, I gotta hide that note you left me so he doesn’t give me a hard time about it”.

Okay. What the hell is going on? The dude gives you a hard time when you’re in your thirties about seeing women? He takes you to dinner? He buys you groceries? What in the world is going on? 

Maybe he’s not bisexual or gay or anything. Everything is just really weird. Super shallow (most women come with stretch marks 🙄). Very vocal about appearance. Very OCD (I left the toilet seat lid up one time and caught shit but he leaves the cap off of his toothpaste. Ew.). Shitty credit. MEAN sarcasm. The list goes on. And I just canNOT get over the relationship between him and his mentor. I just feel like something is there. Tried to tell me how I needed to grow my hair out because he likes long hair (I’ll cut my hair the moment you try to tell me what to do). Tell me where I need to get tattoos. Boy, fuck off.

Lesson? Don’t let boys be fucking rude – no matter how cute he may be. Put him in his fucking place and carry on with yo cute self 😽

Jealousy and Insecurities

With motorcycle guy currently on hold (because who tf knows what he’s doing- I’ll touch on that later) I have found myself really liking this other guy (you’ll see The Teacher later on, when I learn a lesson and I’m not so damn giddy).

First though, let me tell you what I’m used to when it comes to other girls when I’m dating someone:

1. They claim they don’t see other girls..

🙄 like, I know you see them. It’s okay to see them. They exist.

2. They don’t say anything about other girls and think I don’t notice them checking out girls as they walk by..

🤚🏽attention here..🖕🏽

3. They tell me they wish I looked like some girl..

That’s a big “fuuuuuuuuccckkkk youuuuuuu”.

Then there’s what the teacher is doing and it’s throwing me off a little.. he blatantly tells me if he thinks a girl is attractive but he also tells me how into me he is.

Raised around mostly women, I’m starting to think that he does what I do – I appreciate women’s beauty and move on. I don’t dwell on how other women look or compare myself. If I see a gorgeous girl then I go out of my way to let her know she’s gorgeous, makes her day, makes me feel good for making another feel good, and we continue on.

Can guys actually operate in the same way? 

He’s been nothing but respectful. Complete gentleman. Has girls that are friends. Very open and honest about them too.

At first, I found myself thinking “wtf did he just say to me?” “Is he being for real right now?” “How fucking rude..”. But then I really thought about it.

Women are raised to see other women as competitors for men (this is slowly changing but still accurate for my generation though we are outgrowing our teachings). We compete with each other for the attention of men. Men on the other hand are taught to compete in school, sports, in the business world, everywhere. 

Is this why we are deemed crazy for our jealousy and/or insecurities?

I know guys that are jealous and insecure, don’t get me wrong. But it’s as though they know how to play it off sooooo much better than us women. Maybe because they have become accustom to constantly having competition? I don’t know.

At any rate. For a brief second, I found myself comparing myself to that other girl. Then I stopped myself. Why would I compare what I have to offer to her? Why would I doubt myself just because of a guy’s opinion. She was cute and I would’ve said the same shit. So I re-evaluated myself. 

Jealousy and insecurities stem from not really knowing and appreciating yourself. You have to fully love yourself before you can really have a healthy relationship. I think we all go through moments where we question ourselves, where we hate our thighs or notice our crooked smile and cringe for a moment. 

Obviously, the person you’re with sees more than what you see. We are so accustomed to seeing ourselves that we forget how truly beautiful each of us are. 

And honestly, don’t sweat it. If they feel like talking to another girl then fuckkkkkk them.

I recently watched something on Facebook. Some guy was giving a speech about something (I know, full of information over here) and he brought up our fascination with wanting someone when we learn they don’t really want us. How not wanting us SHOULD NOT be a turn on. They don’t want you? MOVE ON. Don’t try to convince them. Don’t try to talk yourself into thinking that they do. Accept it for what it is and move on with your bad self.

The Boss

Lesson 15. Keep work and play separate.

It takes so much of me to even put this into words.

When your boss confesses his love for you, do not sleep with him. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. Especially if you plan to keep working there. 

So when I got hired, I could kind of tell that my boss was into me. We would flirt and shit but it was never out of line. 

About 8 months later, he tells me that things aren’t working out with his girlfriend and he constantly thinks about another girl. I’m helpful af so I’m like “dump her then because that’s so unfair to her. If you’re thinking about the other chick then just ask her out”. I get a random ass text a month later along the lines of what if that girl was you.

And then I totally knew FOR SURE he was into me.

Honestly, he’s a great dude. And if I wanted to go ahead and get married again then I’d so date him.

But I’m all about connections. I’ve felt two very real connections in my life and he wasn’t one even though he’s AMAZING on paper. 

To be completely fair, I was completely shit faced AND he kept buying me drinks. So what turned into just a fun time out, quickly escalated.

Also, any guy that brags about his dick is lying. 98% of the time. DONT TRUST IT. Ugh. I was promised “well above average” and got possibly average. Maybe.

At any rate. I knew the next morning when he wanted round two that nothing was there. Nothing at all. I’ve tried. I just can’t make it happen.

Fast forward two months and he’s asked me out again. We were doing so good pretending that it never happened and just low key flirting. Now?! Ugh. Now I have to deal with it and I honestly don’t know what to say.
Trust me when I say that that is a first.

I have no issues with being completely straightforward with guys. None. I’ll tell them exactly what turned me off and keep a moving. Maybe it’s because I work with him? Maybe it’s because I don’t want to hurt his feelings? 

It’s just not there 🤦🏽‍♀️

I’ll have to continue this one because I am sure this will turn into a cluster fuck before it’s all said and done.

Lesson: I obviously need to keep going to my meetings because I’m out of control. Jesus.

Always Focus on You

I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m boy crazy. When we are in the dating scene, we focus too much on what the other person needs/wants/thinks that we forget to honor ourselves.

Since motorcycle guy has reappeared, I told myself that I will honor me first. That’s what he does and that’s how it should be. Until you’ve been together for a while, the other person’s needs should matter but shouldn’t trump your own.

What does this mean?

It means before my revelation, I would’ve waited to make plans with another person to see if motorcycle guy was going to grace me with his appearance. I would’ve waited until he called before heading back home. I would’ve tried my everything to see him.

Truth is? If it happens then it happens.

Over the course of two months, I have been learning myself and others as well. Y’all know the connection that I brag about and there’s no denying it. Instead of chasing that connection, I’m letting it come naturally. 

It 👏🏽 is 👏🏽 so 👏🏽 much 👏🏽 easier 👏🏽

I’ve always wondered what people meant when they said relationships are supposed to be easy. I never understood that concept. Until now. It means letting it flow. Accepting the other person for who they are (flaws and all). Having no expectations. Taking it day by day. It’s all about today.

I can get really into my feels and, even for me, it can get overwhelming and scary. But I’ve learned to feel those feelings and talk myself through why I am feeling them. Sometimes, when that isn’t enough, I’ll go for a run to clear my head and it’s like it all comes together. 

Embrace now. If someone lets you down, then focus on you. Don’t focus on why they let you down or what could’ve changed or what could’ve happened. Accept whatever you’re feeling, feel it, and move on.

I read somewhere that people don’t intentionally let us down; that people try their best but sometimes their best doesn’t meet our expectations.

That’s the killer. Expectations. It’s so hard not to have them. But when you accept a person as they are then you are no longer setting them up for failure.

I have learned to accept and embrace the differences between me and others. I’ve also learned that when I give love, I need to relinquish the fact that I may not receive love the way that I give it and that is okay. People are different and that shouldn’t stop me from continuing to be who I am.

Saturday, I put expectations on something because I had something planned. Plans didn’t go as planned and my feelings were kinda hurt. I sat back, accepted my feelings, felt those feelings, and explained to myself why plans were messed up. I explained to myself how people really are trying and how they are doing the best that they can. Life happens. It’s not like they wanted to cancel plans. 

I was still pissed so I went for a run and when I got back the universe helped me understand that what had happened was for the best. Within an hour I went from salty af to grateful that the plans didn’t go through.

What an amazing feeling?! My heart is so full and so thankful knowing that everything happens for a reason. I’m not freaking out because something didn’t happen. I’m not freaking out waiting on text messages. I’m simply in my own world, being thankful for what is in front of me and taking the opportunities that I have been granted.

There’s nothing like being present. It releases so much pressure and anxiety and even expectations. Focus on you and your energy and everything else just falls in place.

Motorcycle Guy Part III???

Dammit. Man.

Y’all. As soon as I’m feeling good and not thinking of him as much, he drops back in.

I’m starting to think that maybe I should just exit the dating scene until I can either fully get over him or he can fully let me know that he’s not scared of us anymore.

So I’m driving two hours away to go on a date with the guy I went to school with. While in route, motorcycle guy calls me.

My first response? I smile.

I fucking smile.

Part of me knew I would hear from him again but part of me knew that we were done.

We start talking and he finally admits that my risky text scared him. Then tried to cover that up saying that nothing scares him but that’s when it all clicked for me – I scare him.

Over the past week, he’s been in a lot of shit. So, of course, I cut him some slack.

Now, part of the meetings that I attend say not to hold resentment – forgiveness is needed for your happiness. I’m also learning to appreciate the now more. Sure, it’s great to have an idea of what I want to do this weekend but definite plans will happen when it gets here. Another is attracting people who are available and this is the one that really latches onto me.

What do you do when you both feel something so incredibly strong but one of you is scared? Scared of letting anyone in again. Scared of letting go and opening up more. 

I wish I knew.

He told me how there’s no other girl in the world like me but he doesn’t know how to give his heart away again. He doesn’t know how to communicate like he used to. He told me that he’s not sure if he wants to be tied down. Honestly, I don’t know if I want that either. I don’t want to be tied down, I want to grow with someone. 

I can’t fix him. I don’t want to. The only thing I can truly do is be his friend. No matter how much it hurts, I can only be his friend. 

Truth is, it kills me that he knows and feels what we are/what we could be. I can’t be mad though because he doesn’t want to jump into this until he’s ready. I can respect that. 

But he’s also talking about leaving. Into another state. Now, where I’m at, there’s only a couple states that would straight suck if he moved to and where he’s moving isn’t one of them. Ultimately, it puts him 2-2.5 hours away. Still not bad. But he’s also thinking about moving closer. It could go any way.

When he told me this, my heart kind of broke knowing that he would be even further away. It also had a glimmer of hope. But in the same conversation, “but what about you?” and all of this crazy talk about how he wants to be closer and not farther.

Either he is the BEST manipulator ever or what I’m feeling between us is true. 

We literally talked for what felt like 10 minutes but was really 45. I laughed more than I’ve laughed for a while. And when we hung up, I was pissed. I was frustrated. Here I was going on a date and I planned a weekend with him. Here I don’t hear from him in over a week, and am livid, only to learn some bad shit happened. Here I am bitter and he reached out to me when he needed a friend. 

Honestly, I’ve spent so much time asking others for guidance that I’ve never trusted my own instincts. Regardless of him not talking to me, regardless of not seeing him, I am still drawn to him and I still trust him. I still feel connected on a level that I don’t understand- that is beyond me.

If you look at him on paper, nothing about us fits together. But together? I’ve never been at such peace with another person.

So this is part three. I’m not even sure where it’s going. I’m not sure if I’m an idiot. I’m not sure if I’m gullible. All I’m sure about is how my happiness is intensified when we see each other or talk. If I don’t take the risk then will I regret it later? Ive got to go with this because if I don’t then I’ll always wonder what if…?